rejection has come

I look at my last post... almost a year exactly. The last one was all about the baby nursing all night long and not sleeping. Well, now he sleeps. And has stopped nursing. At 18 months he has decided he does not want boo boo anymore.

Now, I miss it like crazy! I have this unsettling feeling of lack of purpose that has washed over me.
But again, I look at my last post. I realize this too will be a quick lived phase along the bumpy road of momhood. who knows what I will be bitching about next year.

Night Nursingmares

Seven Months. The first two were hellacious, hovered over baby in ridiculous position. My back aching, tears running down my face. Solution? Figure out how to nurse laying down. Ahhhh. Sleeping while feeding the child. Seemed great. Besides, every baby book said that once baby hits about 12 lbs, he will sleep through the night. Considering he was born at almost 9, I should have known better. But, I had high hopes.

Now, he is a 2 1/2 foot 21 lb man! The past month we have battled. He kicks me and cries every two hours, demanding more and more booby. I have been told by concerned citizens not to take this abuse. "You shouldn't let that baby sleep with you anymore!" Dad says, "I am tired of that baby in my bed!"

What is a tired mom to do? Evict the teething baby, looking for comfort at the breast of his mother? go to a shelter for abused women? I don't know. He expects that connection, day or night. If he wanted a hug, would I say "No son, it is not scheduled for this time, maybe later" ?

It is taking a toll on my sanity. Some have suggested weening. To what? Why would I give him a can of fake powdered milk at this point? would the other members of my family want to start drinking powdered milk too?  No. Pump, some say. Yes, just pump into a plastic piece of equipment while the baby stares at me wondering why. Yes, pump and try to stuff a fake boob in his mouth. He will not take a fake boob. He hates fake boobs. He is a boob connoisseur. 


So, I will wait it out. Seven months, at least four to go. Some may say it is crazy. But I would like to think my son would say "thank you mommy" if he could talk.

Self- Destructive : the thick and thin of it

So, one of my biggest problems with being a bigger girl now is that one upon a time I was extremely thin. I have to remind myself that I was thin because I was not being good to my body. I had "outside" forces that were eating me alive, and my diet consisted of lucky charms, taco bell, and those two for a dollar cookies from the gas station. This went on for nearly ten years. Then, I got  pregnant. I stopped using and picked up a fork. Or a fork-lift rather! I gained eighty pounds in nine months and didn't attempt to shed any after the baby was born.

With second baby, I did lose weight. I was on the cusp of having diabetes and that scared the hell out of me. I walked an hour every night in the winter storms, determined to have a healthy baby and an easier delivery. I was measuring out 1/4 cups of pasta for dinner, and writing down all of my carbohydrates. It worked.  After delivery, I was fifteen pounds lighter than when I got pregnant.

But here we are now. Baby is six months and I have stopped losing weight. I am not walking so much and constantly feel hungry. I eat a spinach and hard-boiled egg for lunch so that I can eat gobs of  peanut butter out of the jar.

I am still self-destructive, only now these are legal activities. What is the drive behind all of this? I have an addictive personality, whether it be drugs or chocolate. I think I need to work on this before I start hopping on the scale.

my inspiration and frustration

So my bubs are big. I am coming to accept this. But now I have to stuff them into a strapless bridesmaid dress. I feel like I am in a line up with the petite other girls. It was nearly impossible to find a strapless bra in my size, and it is still not doing it's job.
It is tight around the bust, and thanks to nursing and my foe gravity, there is this empty space at the top of the dress. Part of me wants to gag! The other part of me says "just rock those big ol' titties!"