So, one of my biggest problems with being a bigger girl now is that one upon a time I was extremely thin. I have to remind myself that I was thin because I was not being good to my body. I had "outside" forces that were eating me alive, and my diet consisted of lucky charms, taco bell, and those two for a dollar cookies from the gas station. This went on for nearly ten years. Then, I got pregnant. I stopped using and picked up a fork. Or a fork-lift rather! I gained eighty pounds in nine months and didn't attempt to shed any after the baby was born.
With second baby, I did lose weight. I was on the cusp of having diabetes and that scared the hell out of me. I walked an hour every night in the winter storms, determined to have a healthy baby and an easier delivery. I was measuring out 1/4 cups of pasta for dinner, and writing down all of my carbohydrates. It worked. After delivery, I was fifteen pounds lighter than when I got pregnant.
But here we are now. Baby is six months and I have stopped losing weight. I am not walking so much and constantly feel hungry. I eat a spinach and hard-boiled egg for lunch so that I can eat gobs of peanut butter out of the jar.
I am still self-destructive, only now these are legal activities. What is the drive behind all of this? I have an addictive personality, whether it be drugs or chocolate. I think I need to work on this before I start hopping on the scale.
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